Momma's got some pretty crippling arthritis. Being the good and only son, I moved home to the farm from my baller-ass pad in Seattle to help take care of her. There's some family drama too, but I'll spare ye reader from all that bologne. When I got home I faced an insurmountable lot of shit that Momma expected me to post and sell on Craig's List. Understand, it is best that I'm undertaking the posting/selling because she's slow to computer, whereas I type and navigate the internet with the grace of a prancing doe.
Or deer.
Buck.
So I did my best to hit the ground running listing furniture and appliances and other garbage. Exacting title, functional description absent of sentence subject, priced low enough to get attention but high enough to maintain sense of dignity. Below average sales followed and I felt I was wasting my time.
And holy fuck that shit was monotonous.
I guestimate (yes, I actually wrote 'guestimate'. Guess + estimate= guestimate. Portmanteau bitch, so get off me) that I listed some ten items before the tedium was thoroughly setting in. The following decision, seemingly innocent at the time, marked one of the most interesting and influential turns of events in my life since I started college.
I started making shit up. I began marketing items with absolutely no concern for my target audience and with utter impunity for violating political correctness and social norms. I cursed. I used epithets. I claimed 100% guarantees that were 100% guaranteed not to happen. I insulted the reader. And I was having a blast challenging myself to ever higher advertising absurdism that still flowed as writing.
And sales quickly began to rise.
And I received fanmail.
And I received requests for "erotic services" in response to my posts.
The following stories are selected from my sales history with Craig's List. I don't advocate my conduct as some marketing or selling "technique" and I don't want to be your selling guru so don't become some bitch-ass disciple of this work. This works for me, I find it amusing, and we should just leave it at that.
